Time to take charge of mom and dad

Every couple months, I start to feel like mom and dad are getting a little too big for their britches, so I have to put them back in place. I like to start off their training with a runny nose and alot of useless crying. Here's my tip, cousins*: cry at everything and anything. Drop your bottle? Cry. Fall over? Cry. Book too heavy? Cry. And then rub your runny nose on the closest piece of clothing or furniture when anyone tries to comfort you.

Then stop eating. This is tricky, because by the second day, your mom and dad will start offering you your favorite food (tortellini in my case) and then they say you can eat just fruit. But hold out, because by the third day, your mom will actually justify giving you Ovaltine because there are vitamins in there. Don't be fooled- no matter what mom says, it's still chocolate milk. And if you hold out on the solid food long enough, you can hit the jackpot. For lunch today, I ate one hershey's kiss and 2 grapes.

Now that you've got their hopes up that you might start eating again, reluctantly agree to eat some yogurt, but only on the condition that you feed yourself. Use the spoon to take 3 dainty bites, then grab the pail of cheerios that mom has been bugging you with, and dump it in the yogurt. Take one more bite. Now throw your spoon and stick your hand in the yogurt. If you worked the plan right, not only is mom going to let you eat this way, because she'll be so glad that you're eating anything, but she'll probably also be holding you, so you feel safe and comforted. Now it's time for the big guns. You've got your hand covered in yogurt. Lick two fingers to make her think you mean well, then stick your hand in the yogurt and shove it in your mom's face, then on her shirt and wave your arm so anything else that remains on your hand is spattered over 20 square feet of carpet.

Your mom will be so defeated that she'll let you watch the Curious George marathon on PBS and play in the bathtub for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately, every time I try to teach mom and dad a lesson, I usually end up sick. It's hard being a kid.

*Oliver- you might not want to try the fasting just yet. You're so dainty that you may not last more than an hour or two without food.